John Linton but I haven't heard "Trust Me - I'm A Business Consultant"...until I saw it written in an email late last night by one of the most petulant and self obsessed specimens of Homo advisus - though given the lateness of the hour on a long weekend Saturday, he must have either been intoxicated on his own self importance or from what comes out of bottles and cans. Never was there a more deserving recipient of the old phrase - "those that can't do, teach and those that can't teach - advise."
I'm not sure what the popular of 'least respected' occupations is at the moment but I think 'business consultant' and 'financial planner' would be vying with the traditional permanent holders of the most disrespected occupations title (used car salesman, rental real estate salesman and, at least in the EU, double gazing salesman).
I have been meeting with more 'business consultants' and 'business advisors' than usual over the past 6 - 8 weeks as Exetel is becoming increasingly involved in areas way beyond the previous business experiences of any of our, with one or two exceptions, very young and inexperienced personnel. This has meant that we have needed to get advice in several areas that are well beyond the capabilities of our long term legal and accounting consultants. The obvious areas required by our decision to advertise in rural/regional Australia have meant understanding not just the advertising aspects but how to source and import disparate hardware and deal with tariffs, customs, insurance levels and warranty issues and then all of the issues with 'fulfilment' - all of which are more than a little complex for the novice. The changes to the IR laws and the almost ad hoc "rabbit out of the hat' aproach to introduction, change, reversal, more change, canning or bill passing of different aspects of IR and general personnel regulation are not just a little bewildering. Then there was the R and D grant legislation and the list goes on.
So, by my count over a cup of coffee this morning I have been to 5 'seminars' (sales pitches disguised as information sessions) and have met with nine other organisations to try and get my head around just what we are becoming exposed to if we proceed along the current planned paths over the coming months. So in the past eight weeks I have had the opportunity of observing, in their natural environment, over 30 specimens of Homo advisus. For those of you unfamiliar with this species the following entry from the wikilintonea may be helpful:
"Homo advisus (pronounced /ˈhoʊmoʊ ˈadvəesɪs/) ("large mouthed man", "clammy handed person") is a species of the genus Homo, which lived from approximately c 1947 to at least the beginning of the Falsoscene.[1] The definition of this species is credited to Margaret Langtry, who found fossils in Beppis, East Sydney, between 1962 and 1964.[2] Homo advisus is arguably the first species of the Homo genus to appear entirely without a conscience. In its appearance and morphology, H. advisus was the least similar to modern humans of all species to be placed in the genus Homo (except possibly Homo rudolfensis). Homo advisus was invariably clothed in a well cut business suit and had disproportionately long arms compared to modern humans (believed to be developed by constantly scrawling indecipherably on a white, or "ideas", board or continually tryng to tape 'butchers paper' at extreme heights of an office wall; however, it had a reduction in the protrusion in the face almost certainly caused by its propensity to lower it's head, suck its teeth and frown before saying "I think that might fly". It is thought to have descended from a species of australopithecine hominid. Its immediate ancestor may have been the more massive and ape-like Homo rudolfensis. Homo advisus had a cranial capacity slightly less than half of the size of modern humans due, possibly, to it not needing the brain capacity that humans have for rational thinking, empathy and ethics. Despite the ape-like morphology of the bodies, H. advisus remains are often accompanied by primitive tools of their existence namely an AMEX platinum card, a laptop computer and a mobile telephone often with the words "PowerPoint Is My God" scrawled on a rock near by. (e.g. Olduvai Gorge, Tanzania and Lake Turkana, Kenya)."
While, of course, there are several exceptions to the above generic description it is widely applicable to my recent observatons of the 'business advisors' (as opposed to the topic specific advisors who don't fit that description at all and are obviously deeply knowledgeable and amazingly good value). We got caught up with several specimens as described in that wiki entry via several misadventures including suggestions from one of our suppliers and our bank. I'm sure the recommendations were given with the best of intentions but, dear me, what a lot of cr** 'business advisors' are capable of cramming in to one sentence and then, amazingly, go on to construct a string of sentences in the same way - none of which contains a coherent thought. Amazing though it might seem in 2009 I even saw one of the more moronic "business advisers' using a quote from Vince Lombardi which I hadn't seen since the early 1970s. (the Green Bay Packer's coach of that time was a favourite source of homilies by the mentally challenged 'marketing experts' in the 1970s - but FCS that was almost 40 years ago!).
Why do we need 'advice'? Basically because we have grown from a tiny company to a small company and we, apparently, have a major weakness as viewed by at least one supplier and our long term bank which is that we have a dearth of 'management' and are too reliant on 3 or 4 people to continue growing at the rate we have and the rate we are planning to do. I can't disagree with that simplistic view and I kept my mouth shut when I was tempted to say "but that's the way we planned it to be at this stage of Exetel's existence". So I have listened to several specimens of Homo advisus and I can only conclude that if they ever did have a genuine insight or a genuinely novel idea it has long been buried under a verbal and written deluge of total nonsense and simplistic gibberish - both couched in the most verbose terms.
We have addressed the issues of growth in the only way possible for a small company that never has enough money to afford 'experienced' managers (even if we wanted them) - we have removed as many of the 'traditional' management positions that exist in 'conventional' companies as we could from our first day to today and when we could see that we were going to grow past 50 personnel we split the company in to two companies - one in Australia and one in Sri Lanka so that we could continue to grow for another 18 months or so without changing anything we did in terms of management structure. (that was something none of the homo advisus people came up with in their "addressing the problems of managing growth" sessions - they actually have no ideas on how to manage growth because they have never been involved in doing that).
So I've learned nothing from the 'general business advisors' and 'company coaches' I've wasted time with over the past eight weeks other than that people who choose such occupations may as well be a completely different species for all the ability they have to relate to the realities I perceive in today's business. I'm sure they would defend that accusation by saying that I must have a totally closed mind that is incapable of accepting thinking different to my own - that could well be the case.
The only saving grace that I can see for being a business consultant/coach is that they earn a lot more money than used car salesmen and in the 'circle of life' they act as minor predators (the jackal of the African grasslands springs to mind) that kill off less robust small businesses stupid enough to take their advice leaving more room to grow for small companies that actually believe they know what they are doing.